The Life of a Middle Child

It’s Cold Up North

2009-12-13T13:59:18Z

Flew up and down the motorway this weekend. Rush job to go and see Mum before Xmas and my flight to Colorado next Sunday. My life has been manic of late, rushing round like a blue arsed fly as my late father would say. Work, work, work, thank god for the internet solving my Christmas shopping issues. Big D has been completely manic too with serious major work pressure. Got in the way of our planned fun this last week, cuh! Although we still managed to slip in some time together.

I feel some grief today. Sadness that my mother’s life is coming to an end. Yesterday she seemed more aware of her failures to make relationships with people, in particular my USA niece and nephew and seemed to be making an effort all round, in her own way of course. I think too though that I am just stronger with her nowadays and don’t let mean snippy comments slip by. As my old mentor would say - the only behaviour you can change is your own. Her life could be very short now and so that shapes every conversation in an odd way. Hard to explain. Much of our talk last night was about her family and people dying, she told me things I never knew about their experiences during the WWII.

She is suffering now from the drugs she is taking, literally can’t move for about 3 hours in a morning without getting nauseous and dizzy. I’m not sure they are worth the side effects. It’s about quality of life isn’t it? Her coughing didn’t seem so bad yesterday though. I think I would rather a shorter life without the nausea and dizziness than being chair bound for 3 hours every morning. Or maybe not. Who knows what choices you would make until you actually face something like that.

My elder sister is behaving in a way I don’t understand and have very little patience with, but again it’s each to their own at times like this. She seems to enjoy the drama of the situation; I suppose that’s how she expresses her own grief and fears. I have a practical nature and see little benefit in dramatic statements and creation of additional tensions and anxieties. It’s not my way and quite beyond me on how to react to people when they behave like that. A different demonstration of emotions to my own, and equally I suppose people find my behaviour confusing, in the way I internalise and am just intensely practical in emotionally testing situations.

I just don’t understand how else to behave. Part of my nature of “fixing” things I suppose. I look at how to mend situations and make them better.

There is no real better to be made here, but the pathways can be eased. It will be good for my younger sister and her children to be here this year coming and visit Mum.

Thick frost up north this morning. I left early to drive home, wanting to miss traffic and get back to do some work. The landscape was so pretty as I drove back. Fields and trees covered in hoar frost, sheep blending with the whitened grass, low slung winter bright sun cutting through the cold and mist draping itself across ditches and dips in the land. So beautiful. (Really annoying though to drive south for 4 hours into a low winter sun, I missed my turning once).

Home safe and sound anyway, back to the grind stone now and off to USA next Sunday. Can’t wait to see them all.

Making A Difference; Creating Enemies

2009-12-06T07:47:29Z

My body clock seems to have kicked back in with a vengeance following October without work structure and my trip to the USA. I am back on my “wake up at 6.30am no matter what” timing. Just in time to go back to the USA.... Cuh.

To be fair yesterday I “worked”, pro-bono as the lawyers would say, so couldn’t allow myself a sleep in but today, ping and I am wide awake again at 6.30am.

Why did I work on a Saturday? I know I don’t normally talk about my work on here, but this one I am really pleased with and proud of. In my last long term contract I developed a project to support a group of people from one of the deprived communities I worked with. It was called community leadership, but more than anything it was about trying to shake up the lives of a group of people in a different way to the normal approaches. I was really lucky to get funding to try something different. I developed a year’s programme for them around mutual support and personal action planning all hung around a framework of formal training which focussed on the softer skills of confidence building, communication, organising meetings, applying ideas into practical actions, leadership, all kinds of things really. I wanted to give them the tools to grow and change, rather than the food to eat, so to speak.

I’ve seen the people on and off over the year, seen clear changes in some and what I thought was no real difference in others. Yesterday blew me away, no really. They all had to give presentations on what the year had meant for them. Good grief. Incredible stuff. More than anything I felt, there but for the grace of god.... put these people into a middle class family with a good education at good schools and they would have been high achievers. I saw the flame in one particular lady last year.

We did a general community day to start the programme last year, to find the bunch of people to work with. There was one lady who I could see had something special, and should be so much more. She was my age, had 6 children, different fathers, no education to speak of, was depressed, worried about her kids growing up on a crime ridden council estate, she felt helpless, unable to act on anything or change anything. I made my staff chase her when we started the year’s programme. Finally they got her to join up.

Yesterday she was the star of the show. She looked different, smart, business like, outward looking, making eye contact, she was in control and full of energy, she gave a full power point presentation with handouts and exercises, she has done her Maths GCSE and is now working for MIND supporting other residents on the estate as well as volunteering for another community group and sitting on the board of a charitable organisation.

She wasn’t the only one, they all have made little journeys in little ways, some in huge ways. I was so proud of all of them and of course they all thought I was the bee’s knees. It was a mutual appreciation society.

I think I will write an article about it and send it to the press for my field of work.

It was a special day, to see those people yesterday and compare them to a year ago.

Just fantastic.

There were two quotes yesterday that came out of their presentations that suddenly made sense of my career.... haha! The reason I have felt my career stalled at times, that I felt blocked by people, that I would become frustrated and on occasion, what felt like, despised by people senior to me -

If you want to make enemies, try to change something. Woodrow Wilson.

You have enemies? Good. That means you've stood up for something, sometime in your life. Winston Churchill.

It’s no bad thing at all is it when I look back and put things into that context. I can see why certain people around me feared me and made things difficult for me. I now feel proud of that too now, proud I made enemies. But more than anything, proud to see the difference some of my actions had made to those people’s lives yesterday and proud they have made a difference to me too.

At times like this, I love my work. What can be better than trying to change things?

My company's (my company, get me, snigger) strap line is "Making A Difference". Someone suggested yesterday that I should change that to "Creating Enemies". Too funny and in the right context absolutely perfect for so much of my work.

Off for a swim now....

Good Engines

2009-12-03T12:42:23Z

I absolutely haven’t stopped working for a minute. Has a whole month really gone by since I started this work? What can I say? I love it. Love the whole going in, looking at issues, resolving a way to progress, writing reports and making recommendations. It’s been fab. It’s been really hard work. It’s been tiring. It’s been scary too, proving myself and working with some very intelligent people.... eeekkk.

I’m used to being able to sell my ideas, deal with arguments put against me, talk myself out of holes and confuse people with language. That’s not been an option here, there are some far mightier brains than mine at work within the people I am currently consulting with, and for. A terrifying landscape of heavy intellectuals. I had to report back to them on Monday regarding my interim findings. I could feel my voice going into squeak mode. However all has seemed to go well, report well received, clearly some folk who have really taken to me and some who were either being very polite or actually were truly pleased with my work.

Big smile on my face. My first major consultancy job and slightly outside of my field too and all seems to be going positively. Hurtling along at a fast pace, so little time so much to do!

It’s nearly Christmas and I need to get sorted for the USA as well. Off up to Mum’s again too before I go, which has precipitated another trip to the garage for my old lady Toyota corolla. I’ve had her 10 years now and she’s done just over 100,000 miles, mostly with me. She is however much adored by mechanics.

“Listen to her engine purr”, he salivated to me yesterday, touching her pitted and scratched body work lovingly. “It’s like she’s new”. A breathy pause. “No engine performs like that except a Toyota (blah blah some numbers and letters here)”. Apparently that was the type of engine in my old baby.

I had been thinking of dumping her soon. “What for?” he spluttered in dismay and I suspect a small twinkle of avarice, “She will go for another 100,000 miles” he declared. “Don’t be swayed by these government schemes. This car will do you for a long time yet”. So there we go, my baby and I, carry on together.

You know what, she is probably the one possession I have had in my life the longest, well apart from my mattress which will also have to be retired soon and Big D of course who will most definitely not be traded in under any circumstance. He has a good engine too.

I had to leave my car with the mechanic for a couple of days while he gets parts in for her oil feeds. I suspect he is stroking her now, switching her on and off, listening to her engine and smiling at her. Cuh and in the meantime I left my umbrella in the boot and it’s done nothing but pour with rain ever since.

Crazy Busy Week

2009-11-06T22:39:57Z

What a busy week. Landed in Heathrow on Monday morning, nice and early, straight through passport control and luggage collection like a dose of salts and hurrah for once my taxi was there waiting with a name board and all. Nice. Just one small problem, he clearly had no clue whatsoever where he was going.

In my dazed state I didn’t pay attention until I twigged we appeared to be following signs to central London and were just approaching a massive traffic jam entering Hammersmith. So despite having travelled for 40 minutes already I was actually not much closer to home than when we started. Did I flip my lid at the taxi driver? Oh yes. Tired, with an odd spacey slightly nauseous feeling which overnight long haul flights (and I suppose time adjustments) give me, I was not going to react well. To say I had little patience with a taxi driver, who had driven me well out of my way instead of straight to my flat, is an understatement. I practically threw him out and drove myself. Maybe I’ll do long term parking next time, but it seems such a messing about and I doubt my ability to drive safely after I land here.

Anyway, it was straight into organising myself for my new CONSULTANCY contract, oh yes get me. Mrs Business Woman. Director of my own company. The world shall be MINE..... Mwahahhahahhahaaaaa. Sorry where was I? Oh yes, the contract, nice meaty issues to chew over. I have spent the rest of this week meeting people, reading, ringing people, filling my diary, ringing people, researching and meeting more people. It’s great to be out and about again, gathering information and mulling over ideas. Really interesting to explore new areas of work, while there is some overlap with my field, particularly in terms of process and partnership working, it is a new area of work too. It’s fun, I am thoroughly enjoying it. A lot of challenges, and, well, I love that. I am full of buzz.

I am racing up north tomorrow morning to see my Mum and my UK sister, it’s also my UK niece’s birthday. It’s an odd thing really to know my Mum has a terminal illness but not to know the ins and outs of that. I can’t work out how to think about it. I do get upset, I think more from an empathic point of view, where we all know we will die one day, to have that underlined and understand it will most likely be within the next 5 years must be very shocking.

I was talking to my UK sister about it today, she is very shaken and behaving in a completely ditzy way, I feel like I’m the eldest sister again rather than the middle child. She was talking about how she would behave if she found out she had a terminal illness, in that she would go into denial and just ignore it (plus behave in a completely crazy way I suspect). I imagine I’d be really practical and sort out all my affairs, bag up my clothes for charity, write a will and send my jewellery off to my nieces. I’d want to leave everything tidy with clear instructions on spending knack all on my funeral. My concern would be about the whole thing having the smallest negative impact on my family and friends as was possible. In fact.... I don’t think I would tell anyone.....

Strange times really, the very best and the very worst. But I feel very strong and in control, just great having decent work to focus on.

Big D has of course been a total rock, and despite him flying off on business yesterday we still managed to squeeze in important time together. Has to be done.

And on an aside. Great views across the city from my flat of the fireworks. Pretty pretty.

The Good, The Bad and The Ugly.

2009-10-31T09:21:24Z

It’s 2.30 in the morning here and annoyingly I woke up wanting the loo and now have one of those middle of the night mind buzz things going on. It’s been a week of emotional highs and shocks. Plus I have had to deal with what I can only describe as rude and abusive behaviour from my brother in law. Don’t give a monkeys on my own account but its making my brain explode on account of my sister, nephew and niece.

But anyway the Good? Let’s talk about that. Fantastic news, I won one of the contracts I was going for. Very exciting and I can’t wait to get started on that when I get home. It will be great to be busy and buzzing again, sorting things out, making things fit and being productive. Lovely. Hurrah. Of course it’s great to have some income again too! I have been absolutely over the moon about it. Big D and my sister utterly thrilled too. You don’t realise how your confidence seeps away as you get turned down from potential pieces of work, but now I am full of it again and raring to go.

The Bad? Sadly my Mum has been diagnosed with an incurable and terminal illness, IPF. In short its scarring of the lungs, caused by apparently not sure what. It seems the medical fraternity have several theories about it but nothing decided. A condition that is gaining momentum but currently affects about 1 in a thousand. Nothing to be done about it, the scarring will just grow worse and eventually there will be respiratory or heart failure. Prognosis? Two to four years depending on when it started, or indeed a person can live for a long time without further progression of the disease. I’m guessing my Mum is on the short side of that prognosis as she has been complaining of the symptoms for a couple of years and those symptoms have been growing gradually worse. Her doctor ignoring her in the good old NHS way but eventually referring her after my nagging at her got her nagging at him. Treatment? Nothing that really works without nasty side effects.

I’m going to try and get to the hospital with my Mum to see the consultant and get a proper idea of what’s going on, plus help her make a decision about whether or not to try the drug treatments. I am shocked but also practical about it. She is an elderly and unwell lady, serious illness was not unexpected, but it’s a hard to actually know for sure that her life will end within a couple of years. We do not have a “normal” mother daughter relationship as my blog readers will know, yet of course I feel responsible for her as I always have. I have no doubts there will be some difficult times ahead there but no change in the short term. My sister and I have been looking at planning a trip here for them in May next year so they can see Mum. It’s been a long time for her, and my niece and nephew have never met their Grandmother.

And the Ugly? What can I say? Where to start and finish. I just want to get home and talk to Big D about it all really. I do not accept rude and abusive behaviour off people, I cut them out, withdraw. How do I do that with my brother in law when I want contact with my sister and the kids? It’s not overt rudeness or abuse, more of an ignorance and lack of normal responsive behaviour. Like he isn’t existing on the same plane as us. I don’t know how to behave towards him because I will not condone his behaviour towards them nor accept his mood swings and ill mannered approach towards me. One minute he is cold and angry saying nothing and the next he is trying to hug me, have a joke with me and smile at me. All the while he is abrupt and uncommunicative with my sister and the kids. Then you hear him laughing and joking on the phone with his friends. It’s so offensive. He has not said a word to us about our mother either. The only conclusion I can reach is that he has utterly fallen out of love with her but can’t face that fact nor deal with it in any constructive way.

So with all that off my shoulders its back to bed with me.

Bursting to get home and talk to Big D and see him again. Sigh. Need to discuss EVERYTHING with Evil Twin Capry too before she races off to Oz. And then there is work to do and much to be delivered by the end of November, hurrah!!!

Arriving in Denver

2009-10-25T21:22:47Z

Very easy trip here, no turbulence at all, so the seat belt signs off all the way, practically unheard of, landed safely, through customs and arrivals, hit by two screaming children and was back at my sister’s house before it registered. Great to be here, crap trying to sleep properly pah, I am useless at adjusting to time differences. My body clock is very determined that it knows what time 7am in the morning is and what time 10pm at night is, so consequently I am wide awake at midnight raring to go, and falling asleep on my feet at 3pm in the afternoon. Despite taking melatonin too, which does help to be fair. Nearly adjusted now though.

Got some emails at Heathrow about another piece of consultancy work so need to do a little work on bidding for that while I am out here, it’s only small though, a couple of days work perhaps. I should hear about the other decent sized job this coming week, fingers crossed.

It’s currently snowing here and sub zero temperatures, not due to get much warmer during the week and then below freezing again by Wednesday. So today we are in the house, having a lazy time of it, which is not unwelcome as we seem to have done a million things Friday and Saturday. We have done sod all today, slobbed on the sofa in our pyjamas this morning watching a DVD. Then I have been playing cat’s cradle with my niece and introducing my nephew to the intricacies of World of Warcraft. The afternoon is set for pumpkin carving and decorating the house for Halloween.

Pumpkin carving is serious stuff out here. Some amazing creations. I watched a guy on Saturday doing some, which can really only be described as pumpkin sculptures. The depth to which the skin and then flesh is removed gives different tones and colour once the pumpkin is lit up. Sadly my effort will no doubt be something very simple...... but here’s one I did earlier....

Missing Big D of course, sighhhhhh. Sob.

Giddy Giddy Giddy

2009-10-21T15:25:55Z

Just checked in online, got an upgrade special offer this morning for a bargain price, so went for that and now I get to smile smugly at the great unwashed tomorrow (sniggers up sleeve). I love travelling. I mean it’s a little boring too, the getting from A to B bit, but exciting as well. I quite like the whole shebang. Packing and arriving at the airport, dumping all the luggage at the bag drop and entering the sparkling Terminal 5. I can’t afford to buy anything from the shops contained within it, but we shan’t tell the great unwashed that. We shall pretend to sniff at £500 handbags, because they are just not quite the right shade of red darhhhhlink.

It still thrills me. I love the buzz and bustle at airports, people watching to my heart’s content. Then piling on the plane, makes me laugh to see people desperate to get in the queue once the gate is open. What’s the rush? Seats are allocated and the plane won’t go without you, yet people barge forward soon as they are called. Then mill about full of anxiety, seriously like a herd of cattle. Why do they do that? It’s not a bus (sniffs snobbily).

The best bit, the very, very, very best bit, of course, is going through the arrival doors at the other end. The smell and taste of another country. My niece and nephew hurling themselves at me like a pair of screaming cannon balls, the collective sigh and odd tear from the other people waiting for their arriving guests. Can’t flipping wait.

I have taken a step from the norm today too. Went for a window seat. Gulp. Oh the quandary. I much prefer a window seat on the way out, while it’s daylight and you get to see London, and Blackpool, Ireland then Greenland and Canada, down over the Great Lakes and the plains of middle America, then the mountains, then Colorado with its circular field irrigation and rivers and canyons. All that against being able to get in and out of my seat without asking someone else. Hmmmmmmm. I have flown so often I normally ignore the window option, but I have gone for it this time. Fancied a change and got a seat at the front where there is more floor space, so with a bit of luck I will be able to step around whoever ends up next to me. Mind you the weather is rubbish so it will probably be cloud cover all the way..... Hmmmm maybe I’ll change to aisle, ooooo what to do what to do......

It’s snowing in Denver today hehe. That’s exciting too isn’t it? Why? I don’t know, but it is. I checked the forecast yesterday and it was simply autumnal not terrible different from temperatures in London, except without that dampness and creeping cold. Today the temperatures have plummeted. Still you seriously never can tell out there. I like that about their weather. In Autumn and Spring it can change in the blink of an eye, from hot and sunny to snow.

Can’t wait to seem them.

Stamps about impatiently.

Can You Ever Have Enough Malteasers?

2009-10-20T21:53:41Z

Blimey I’ve been busy. Nice. Good to be busy again. No work as such, but a few opportunities appear to be rearing their heads. Consequently I’ve been working flat out for the last few days researching and writing a proposal for a consultancy job. It was a bit scary actually, I don’t have the confidence around it as yet, although I’ve sat on the other side of the table often enough, it just seemed incredibly hard to write something that was all about my way of thinking without being able to bounce it anywhere and to not know what reception it might receive.

This morning while swimming I had a crisis about it and nearly deleted the lot when I got home. Had one of those moments where I just knew the essay would be handed back to me with a mark of 36% and a heavy sigh and sad look from my tutor. I just worked it up a bit more in the end and sent it off at lunch time before I completely screwed it up. Whatever the result, it was good experience and I have enjoyed working on it.

I met a blast from the past last week, the source of the potential consultancy job as it happens, never underestimate the scope of your networks. It was interesting to meet someone in a not dissimilar position to myself re Big D type relationships. It was good to see her and great to get that feeling of, OK so I am not so weird and alone in my choice of how I live my life, phew.

I know I’m rarely ruled by what others think, for goodness sake I wouldn’t be where I was right now if that was the case, but it was..... comfortable, for want of a better word, to be able to relax and talk to someone who knew, understood and well, just, KNEW. Everyone judges, no matter what they say or how they behave, I know one and all judge me for what I do and where I am in my life. To be someone’s mistress is a very confrontational thing.

It knocks people’s own views about their own relationships, because what if???? And people want to disapprove of my choices, no matter how they might dress that up, mistresses are not society’s favourite child. Well at least not in the UK. I am happy with my choices and the way my life is, I wouldn’t want it any different, couldn’t handle it if it was. It’s just right for me, the way I like to be, the contradiction I like in my relationships of intimacy and distance. I wouldn’t purposefully seek this, would I? Oh OK maybe I would.... but I didn’t set out to be in a relationship of this type. It happened and it worked and then carried on working.

However I think I need to start a mistresses club for women like me. To be able to kick back and talk about their lives, without having to double bluff and half lie all the time so that they don’t trample all over the values of acceptable society.

Maybe if I don’t get this consultancy work I will stand for MP, seems now is the time with half of them resigning and a recruitment drive on for women. When I was younger it was one of my ambitions, to be an MP. Funny. Right now I don’t feel affiliated to any political party, obviously I am a socialist, wouldn’t be doing the work I do if I was right wing fascist. What the hell I will vote in the next election lord knows. Vote me, the mistress party. Sounds like a fun place to be. Plenty of married men would be casting secret votes, that’s for sure.

Oh and did I mention I am off to Colorado on Thursday. Yeahhhhhh. Really looking forward to that, my sister and the kids are giddy as kippers, oh and so am I. Will be good to relax with her and squeeze and tease those children. Poor things, no idea why they love me given my favourite thing to do is wind them up. Hey someone needs to toughen them up and teach them English sarcasm, it’s an essential life skill.

I charged into town too today, met Big D (nudge nudge wink wink) that was fun as always and then threw myself around the shops getting all my last minute must haves for the USA. Just need to pack now and do a stock take on the number of Malteasers I have, given one and all have become addicted to them in Denver and are clamouring for them. The problem in truth is, can you ever have enough Malteasers?

So today I have checked the job pages, checked the interim job web sites, checked the magazine sites for current news in my field of work, been swimming, been to the supermarket, filled up with petrol, finished writing my bid, answered some emails, got dressed up and slapped make up on for town shopping trip and Big D, hurtled into town, met Big D, gathered booty, fled home just in front of the commuter tidal wave, counselled an ex colleague over the phone who is just coming to terms with being made redundant, wrote a letter to my pension company, emailed my sister, talked to Big D on the phone, cooked dinner, ate dinner, watched TV, played THE GAME and now this. How on earth do I have time to work? Really. I am far too busy to work for a living. I better start on the lottery tickets.

The Changing of The Seasons

2009-10-12T12:37:34Z

A stunning day outside, lovely crisp autumn day, bright sunshine and clear skies. One of my favourite types of days. I like the seasonal changes we have, the UK is blessed with a rotation of changes which always bring something special. Days like this, bonfires and childhood, screaming with joy and running through harvested fields, kicking up leaves down damp country lanes and horse riding (horse riding???). Why autumn and horse riding have a connection within me I know not, just yesterday I got an urge to go for a canter. It’s only now I have connected that with autumn. Maybe I first learned to ride in the autumn. Autumn smells are crowding my head, they are about dampness, rotting wood, leaves, mud, mushrooms, wet animals and of course bonfires and fireworks, sulphur and charcoal, toffee apples and cold. Does cold have a smell? Of course it does, you just smelt it didn’t you?

I’m looking forward to being in Colorado for a few days. The weather should be like this with a bit of luck and a following wind. It smells different out there though, dry and desert, more of a salty sandy smell. Definitely NOT tornado season this time anyway (makes note to self - remember do not visit Colorado in early June). Ah, just checked forecast and its -2C there at the moment, but then it’s the crack of dawn for them right now.... Looks similar weather to here otherwise, just that the lows get a lot lower). (Dig out gloves and hat to take). I do remember it being a bit nippy when I was there at Halloween a couple of years ago. Ooooo what pattern to carve into my pumpkin this year then? I might try for a cat’s face.

Can’t wait to see them all. It’s a pain they are so far away but then it’s also great to have the added interest and excitement of a trip to the USA. I do love to travel. I should do it more. I have a long time yearning to go to Berlin too, maybe I should sort that out soon.

The seasons of change, autumn and spring are my favourite times of year. Just something about them that gives me a feel good feeling. Spring bringing the sun and warmth, longer days, warm evenings and autumn bringing cosy nights, family closeness and Christmassy sparkles. I even like the nights’ drawing in and the dark mornings. When we lived in rural areas my mother used to tell us the lights we could see across the hills were fairy lights and fairy towns. During the day they were just human villages nestled away, but at night, definitely fairy towns. No question in my mind that that was right.

And now that time draws in again, the leaves are falling, the days crisp and frost edged, the fairies are getting their lights ready. I am snug in my flat, waiting to hear about another job, one I’d really like again. Not long before I see my family. All feels good with the world today.

Criminal Justice - The End

2009-10-10T07:21:44Z

Criminal Justice. What a TV drama that was. Flipping heck, I was in floods of tears last night. Wont give the ending away for those of you who haven't seen it - click link below.

How insidious abuse within relationships is. Such a difficult thing to demonstrate if people don’t want to know, and of course mostly they don’t. I can remember early on in my relationship with my ex partner (not ex husband I think we probably equally abused each other actually), but the guy I was with after him and before Big D, we’d been introduced by a mutual friend, I’d told the mutual friend that there was something about R that I felt uncertain about, I felt he had an edge to him that could turn to uncontrolled aggression. Added to the fact he was 6ft 5 with a body in proportion to that height, it made me a touch flighty about getting close to him from the start.

The mutual friend mocked me, but said never fear if he ever laid a finger on you I’d take him apart blah blah. The same mutual friend rang me while R and I were breaking up, furious with me because R had said I was leaving him for a number of reasons including accusations of abuse. He wouldn’t have it and right there and then ended a 20 year friendship. Someone I’d known from university days, I’ve never heard from him since.

I wasn’t wrong about R. Always listen to your instincts was the lesson I learned there. It wasn’t that he knocked me about. The odd slap near the end of our relationship, all stuff designed to scare me but carried out under the excuse of aggressive sex. Which I like of course.... don't I? His abuse was in the main the mental abuse demonstrated here in that programme. The undermining of my confidence, a constant control, checking up on me all the time, what I was doing, where I was, what was I wearing. But what's wrong with that? Apart from the undermining of confidence, the checking up and control? Isn't that about love too? Demonstrations of anger, bad temper and sulks if he didn’t get what he wanted or the house wasn’t as he’d prefer or the dinner wasn’t ready. But wasn't that my part of our relationship? To keep things perfect? I can see in a woman who felt bonded to a man, where perhaps children were involved too, the whole could destroy you over a period of time yet seen by some outsiders, it's not abuse at all.....

I was only with R for 2 years. He didn’t maliciously mean to abuse me. He was shocked and upset when I tried to explain to him his behaviour patterns were abusive. He was a profoundly selfish and fucked up man. Confused about his sexuality, bitter about his upbringing. He was fun and out-going and risk taking too. We had some great laughs as well. There is much I enjoyed about the short time we had together. There is no question though, intended or not, I became abused within that relationship. Some words that came out of that programme this week, mirrored my own experience.

Very very interesting watch. If you missed it it’s on BBC i player for another week. Definitely worth a watch.

http://www.bbc.co.uk/iplayer/episode/b00n877s/Criminal_Justice_Series_2_Episode_1/

Criminal Justice

2009-10-07T13:42:16Z

Didn’t get an interim post I’d had my fingers crossed for, but ah well never mind it would have meant traipsing to Cambridge every day anyway. There has been a small flurry of activity though, someone in touch with me wanting me to sign up to a consortium bid for a small consultancy job, plus a couple of other ifs, buts and maybes. It’s nice to know people are thinking of me even if it doesn’t lead to hard cash in my purse at this stage. Also put in for another interim post yesterday that will be related to 2012. I’d like to do that but I expect so will many others, high profile stuff that one.

I’ve booked to go to Colorado for their Autumn break, will be flying out on 22 Oct for just over a week. Looking forward to that, the kids are in a total froth, really will be good to see them all. It’s nice to book something like this at the last minute, exciting. I’ll be there for an old friend of the family’s 21^st birthday and Halloween. It will be fun.

I’m currently watching a BBC drama, Criminal Justice, on every night this week, you can catch up with it on the BBC web site if you haven’t watched it so far. About an abused woman who stabs her husband. Riveting stuff, cleverly depicts how this woman is abused and doesn’t even know it, such was her husband’s control. I think there is a lot of similar passive aggressive control within relationships that no one would call abuse, it becomes a fine line on where such control crosses into unhealthy.

We all do things to keep our loved ones happy, we know what will upset them and what will please them. When you suppress you own desires to the extent where you make yourself unhappy just to keep your partner happy, is that abuse or self harm? Or simply acceptable compromise within a relationship? When your partner imposes their will upon you to care and protect you as they see fit, to shape your behaviour in a way that suits them, when does that cross into abuse?

Such abuse doesn’t happen overnight, it sneaks in. Before you know what you are doing you are controlling your own emotions and behaviour to keep your partner happy, to stop situations arising where they might shout or get angry or upset at you, you make excuses and take blame for things that are not your fault. It happens inch by slow inch. You’re in there before you know it and you would never describe your relationship as abusive.

There is always the person that abuses and the one that allows the abuse too. A set of circumstances that happen because both parties allow it. At what point do you call it abuse? At what point do you walk away? At what point is it criminal? While it remains focussed on mental abuse rather than physical I think there is very little to be done and yet the damage can be enormous.

It must be a total nightmare for the police and criminal justice systems. It’s an intense and thought provoking drama. Check it out if you have time.

This and That and a bit of the Other

2009-10-04T12:34:27Z

I am having terrible mood swings at the moment. Happy as Larry can flip into murderous and mad within seconds. That said I had a nice day yesterday, met someone I used to work with for lunch and a potter round town. A relaxed and easy time, but had a banging headache by the time I got home, chilled out watched TV and a DVD, Changeling, which was good. About 1920s Los Angeles and the police corruption, threaded around the story of a woman (Angelina Jolie) whose son goes missing. A bit odd but I enjoyed it well enough. Then spent a good while chattering to my USA sister online while browsing sites together. The internet opens up such fantastic communication opportunities for people like her and I, divided by the Atlantic Ocean and several thousand miles. It makes no difference nowadays. She could be next door.

My Blackberry is also ace and means that she can get in immediate touch with me now, anytime anyplace. She’s going to switch to one too when her contract comes up for renewal. That will be fab. I’m hoping to pop out there for the last week in October, work and contracts permitting. I really miss them and want to see them.

Too much time on my hands really, contributing to the mood swings I think, although I seem to find millions of things to do and then never have enough time to do anything. As the saying goes - If you want something doing give it to someone who is busy. The reverse I have found is completely true too - If you have nothing specific to do it’s impossible to find time to do anything.

I’ve been really busy this week.... doing erm.... I don’t know what. Hmmmm met people for lunch, had a dangerous liaison or two with Big D, charged about the place, in and out of town, been swimming most days, time just slips away it seems.

Today I have wasted ages in traffic jams. Road works closing a main road that they don’t tell you about until you are on top of it. I changed my plans in the end and went home parked the car and shopped locally. Today was a London blob day. I held the mirror up to London and it looked bad bad bad. Ugly, filthy, overcrowded, messy, deprived, stinky and just plain old grubby. It can be a beautiful city but has so much grime and poverty in it too. I felt the overcrowding most acutely today. It would be nice to be in Colorado for a week. You don’t get spaces much wider and opener than there.

Growl

2009-09-24T08:02:51Z

Feeling odd and twitchy and restless. Not sleeping through at night, anxiety dreams, and tossing and turnings to the point where I’ve started dreading going to bed. I am fed up with sleeping. I don’t seem to be able to manage more than 3 hours without waking and my brain then running away with itself.

I am in a temper with myself too. Fed up with being heavier than I am happy with, (AKA fat as a pig), fed up I won’t do anything about it (although I have been going swimming almost daily). Fed up I am crap at weight control. Fed fucking up. Pah.

Actually I think..... I am bored. Is it time to start applying for anything and everything from a work perspective? But then I don’t want to go back to being tied into to local authority work protocols and idiot managers. Fed up with that too. I so want to work as an interim, yet there seems to be bollocks all out there right now.

Maybe I should do some voluntary work in the meantime. Is there voluntary work out there where I can scream at people and beat them? Hmmm now there’s a business idea.

I am feeling irritable. I might kill someone. I hope the pool is empty.

Growl.

Simply Doing Nothing

2009-09-21T18:08:02Z

I’ve gotten back into the habit of swimming again, hurrah for that. I don’t know why I ever fall out of it, as I love swimming. It’s habit I suppose, you develop your routines and for some reason swimming fell out of mine, but anyway it’s back and I’m at it again, I have been 4 times in the last 5 days, the only downside is the chlorine makes my skin so itchy. I have shampoo designed for chlorine removal but hello pharmaceutical companies where is the bodywash? You slackers.

I can’t be the only person in the world who goes swimming regularly and 1) prefers not to smell of chlorine and 2) gets itchy skin with chlorine. No matter how you might slather on normal body washes or shampoos they just don’t remove chlorine. It’s a metal you see and normal soap isn’t designed for its removal. I have been trawling the net for anti-chlorine body wash and finally found Molton Brown do one, (for men????? Fuck off, What? So only men go swimming?) Smells nice anyway, just kind of herby and clean, so I purchased that today. Fingers crossed it works, I have been itching away here, it’s not good. Actually I think that’s why I ended up stopping for a bit. My skin became eczema central.

Enough of that blah.

Been searching for work obviously, every day in every way. Seems to have dried up a lot at the moment. A combination of public sector fear on government cutbacks and post summer holiday slackness. I have started with weird and wonderful anxiety dreams and find it hard to go to sleep at night, being anxious about having more anxiety dreams. Yet today I checked my bank account and, well, for goodness sake, I have plenty of money. I think I am just freaking because I don’t have a regular income anymore, so therefore somehow think I have absolutely no money whatsoever.

I make crazy connections in my head about two primary things. Money and relationships. I am crap at both and while I have lived and learned on both fronts, but I still have panic triggers on both fronts.

On money I get anxious about falling into debt. Totally reflected in the online game I play where making money is a necessary part of the game which I have developed to an art, and get totally panic ridden if my balance falls below 5000 gold pieces. I like to maintain a level around about 10,000 gold. Hahahha. Now while that will probably mean nothing to you except that I am crazy, let me tell you, I simply do not need anything like that kind of virtual money within that game. But I can’t help myself. I NEED it.

Hmmm what else.

I am enjoying having freedom and time to do anything/nothing/potter/stare into space/do whatever amuses me at random. I think the last time I had this kind of freedom was when I was a student during the long summer holidays and even then I worked for most of them.

It’s good to do fuck all. Don’t let anyone tell you it isn’t. I suppose there is an end in sight and any moment a recruitment agent could haul me into a contract starting within days if not hours. I am on standby for one and there will be others, I feel sure although it may not be as soon as hoped, it will come and then I will be run off my feet and knackered, wishing for free time.

I have an amazing capacity for free time. I have not been bored at all, not one slightest bit. While ploughing up and down the pool today I did think I could happily be a lady who lunches. I would fill my days with absolutely nothing, with complete and utter ease. I would make an art of it. I feel sure of that.

Mind you it is only the last week where I have had nothing to do..... finished my first contract off last week you see. Hmmm maybe I could get bored if I had weeks of nothing........

Anniversaries of Forgotten Things

2009-09-13T10:10:46Z

I got married twenty-three years ago today on this date. It has no real significance any more, mind you it had no real significance in the last few years we were married. We’d lived together for a couple of years before we got married and I knew even then he wasn’t right for me. But what do you do? You make big decisions based on the information you have at the time and at 23, I felt old and wise and that there was no such thing as love. Love in the way of romantic attraction, deep sexual need, heart pounding desire, adoration. It’s funny really to look back at that. You expect the young to be idealistic not the old. I was practical and sensible and had found a man who seemed that way too, plus was intelligent and funny, I liked to be with him. It seemed enough.

I didn’t realise that would turn into despising him, that the small sexual attraction I had for him would fade completely and turn into my flesh crawling if he touched me. The problem being of course, he simply wasn’t dominant. Not sexually, nor in his everyday life. He was lazy too. Not a do-er, not a go-getter. I used to get very frustrated living with him. I would scream and rant at him, all to no avail.

My memories of the last few years we were together are about me doing everything on my own. We moved into a new build detached house 3 years before we split, my instigation of course, reasonable size big corner plot. I did everything. Organised the buying and selling of property, the move itself. Decorated inside, planned, designed dug and built the garden, kept the house clean, provided dinners, washed his shirts. What did he do? My memories of him for those last couple of years are him drinking cans of larger and playing on the computer, plus arguments about how he never did anything around the house and about how we didn’t do anything together. I can remember saying to him that I refused to go on holiday again with him unless he planned it this time. He managed to come up with a week at his parent’s house. The imaginative funny man I met seemed to have long faded away.

I pulled away from him myself until there was simply nothing left. Just two people living in the same house. Stopped washing his shirts and cooking his dinners even. We both worked full time, and I didn’t see why I should be the one to work at home too. So I stopped. The mistake I made was expecting him to actively make a change to that and of course he didn’t. He was sexually submissive, physically, mentally and emotionally lazy.

I would last 3 seconds with a man like that nowadays. I have no idea why I lasted so long with him. Lazy myself. Complacent, not roaringly unhappy. Nice house, nice garden, decent job, social circle, settled life. Not unhappy, not happy.

It was a man at work pursuing me that knocked me out of it. Woke me up. I didn’t want a relationship with him, but the interest and excitement, the sexual frisson were very seductive and I wanted more. It just never occurred to me to have an affair. Didn’t cross my mind. Wasn’t a possibility. And anyway, what was there to stay for in my relationship? So finally I stepped over that huge barrier I had built for myself...... and left him.

And found there was wild crazy sex out there, fun, frolics and passion. That sexual desire and emotional love do really exist. People were out there who liked to take control and were proactive in their responses to me. You live and you learn but how I would like to wind that clock back sometimes. Take back those years of complacency. What a waste. It’s so easy to waste life isn’t it? To potter on and not make change. To accept what you have and fear anything different. To build your own barriers, box yourself in and create a world you can’t seem to find the motivation to escape.

It’s a Funny Old World

2009-09-11T12:34:23Z

I’ve recently been lured back to the Collarme website. Not a site I ever had much patience with, but the bottom line (boom boom) is that they are all much of a muchness aren’t they? Just people wanting to meet other people for a bit of chat, or maybe some slap and tickle, or maybe something more profound.

Big D and I have chatted a little bit to another couple, no you rude things not for any deviant sexual purpose but just to chat to likeminded people. Yes really, Cuh! A dip into someone else’s world. It tests your ideas and mindset. Makes you think and look again at where you are and what you do.

They are all about protocol this other couple. Very clear cut behaviours for the dominant and submissive. Their conversation was couched in phrases and styles that supported the Ds dynamic. Big D and I used to be very much that way in the first couple of years we were together. He liked things to be crystal clear between us about our dynamic and roles, and he liked that to be reflected in all aspects of my behaviour. That’s not to say it’s different now, it’s just got softer edges to it.

There is much that a power exchange relationship can give to a couple when they have dominant and submissive mindsets. Frameworks and rules are important, they give security and certainty. You know where you are with it, you know what’s expected and what’s acceptable and what behaviours will cause pleasure and hurt. It’s just that tad more defined than usual. For me I just find it easier and clearer.

I don’t think where we are now is so terribly different to where we were 5 or even 7 years ago. The fundamental rules are the same. There is definitely a relaxation in how I speak to him and approach him about things I want to talk about, on a day to day basis or indeed if I want to talk about a particular issue. I am perhaps not so careful in what I might say or how I might phrase something. I don’t email him anymore. I’ve just realised that. There was a time when I would email him my concerns and opinions and wait for his considered response. I don’t do that anymore. Maybe I should. I am suddenly conscious I have become quite closed in about my thoughts and feelings over the past few months. Hmmmm.... reflected in not blogging that much either. Hmmmmm again.

I think we have both moved on in our lives and in everyday life you need to be able to have everyday discussions too. There is something quite charming and otherworld about strict Ds protocol, I find it erotic. It’s an agreement you make with yourself and your partner about how you will behave together. Mostly unsaid. Mostly just the way it is. Your only comeback is yourself, because this is what you wanted, this is what you wished for....

The old superman phrase, with great power comes great responsibility. You can reverse that too and that is what these idle online funsters need to think about on Collarme. Without taking responsibility you are not going to get power (or control)....

I’ve had the usual bin load of messages of course, ranging from your freshly separated tentative guys to the nonsense supplied by long term hard core on line fantasists. That hasn’t changed one bit. All completely disregarding the fact that I say I am in a long term relationship and only looking for friends. Apparently that should be read as - she’s well up for it.... No surprise there really either.

It’s a funny old world and it doesn’t change either.

Marmalade Associations

2009-09-09T10:45:03Z

Strange little memory spike today out of nowhere. I was just standing in my kitchen gazing out of the window wondering what to have for breakfast and I remembered being at my Aunt and Uncle’s house in Guildford for breakfast with my ex husband. We’d been to America and they’d insisted we called in on them after landing at 6am in Gatwick, to have breakfast with them before speeding north.

I’d been a bit petulant about it knowing we’d be knackered after a red eye and knowing we had at least a 4 hour drive north without taking in a Guildford trip too. I just didn’t want to extend the pain before throwing myself on my bed and sleeping. However my ex husband was all for it, he was a far more social creature than I and seemed to enjoy endless dull conversations with elderly relatives. So somehow or another we had become committed to dropping in on them for breakfast.

We turned up expecting some kind of slap up breakfast, given we’d been travelling for best part of 12 hours and had a good 4 hours more to go, and we got one small piece of toast with marmalade and a glass of water. Cup of tea for my ex but I have never been a tea drinker, disgusting stuff, as is coffee. Why do people drink tea and coffee? It’s a very odd thing to do. We were both left bewildered as to why they had made such a song and dance about feeding us breakfast, we stopped a couple of hours later for something at motorway services instead.

That must have been 15 years ago. Why on earth did it pop into my head?

How funny. Little meaningless memories, the brain is a complex organ. I think the association was marmalade actually. I have been reading The Kite Runner, and the boy in there keeps having naan and marmalade for breakfast, albeit marmalade made with cherries. Does he mean jam I wonder? I thought the word marmalade means a bitter citrus fruit jam? I am sure the nann bread he is eating has to be different to the naan bread I have with my chicken korma too?

I quite like marmalade but it’s not something that I ever buy, nor would consider putting on a garlic and coriander naan, even if it was cherry jam.

That must have been my weird connection to a past inconsequential memory. Plus I have just sent the same Aunt and Uncle a change of address card.

And my current feelings of being horny? Nothing to do with marmalade at all but rather to do with a conversation just had with Big D.......

Lull

2009-09-08T10:21:09Z

I have slipped into a quiet place. All but finished the small contract I had. Just got a presentation to do tomorrow evening to a board and then amend my work according to their views and that’s that. I have sent the invoice off to draw the line as I felt the guy I was doing the work for was slipping extra bits in here and there. My first invoice!

We’ll see what comes next. I have heard mummers of little bits of things but we shall see what may appear. I’d really like to get an interim contract now, something new, in a different place with people I haven’t worked with yet. A four or six month contract would be great, 3 or 4 days a week..... we can hope. There is still one in the pipeline that I should hear about this week. So you never know. Could be a case of..... be careful what you wish for.

In the meantime I have quite enjoyed the last week or so with nothing really much to do, although I have filled my time with sorting all kinds of bits and pieces out, related to moving home and finishing work. Which reminds me, I still have some sorting to do and need to work on my web site content too. How did I manage to work full time? I have no idea and really don’t want to work full time on long term contracts again. I do feel that part of my life is behind me now.

I also feel I could slide into a hermit existence quite easily. I can totally understand why people slip away from participation in the wider world. I think I would miss it soon enough but can also see different paths I might have followed that would have led to quite different lifestyles. Not that I feel I miss anything, you know how I am, if I wanted to change my life then I would, as I have done before.

I do feel quite relaxed and peaceful at the moment, reflected in an 11 hour sleep I had on Friday night, albeit after seeing Big D which always knocks me out. I was still astonished to wake at 10am on Saturday morning, I haven’t done that for years, I am more an “up with the dawn chorus” type. I love being awake really early in the mornings when no one else is much moving around. I think I still have a sense of catholic quilt about staying in bed beyond 7am. Certainly my mother hates it if I sleep beyond that time when I stay with her.

So how is my mother? Getting old really. Short term memory is shot to pieces but she seems happy enough pottering along. She still stresses me obviously, we will never lose that aspect of our relationship but I think I take it less personally nowadays. Or at least try to. Not seeing her of course helps tremendously.... Speaking of which I really ought to go and see her. Sigh. I could maybe take a few days up north now everyone is back at school and work and have a potter about the place. Go to the Lakes, lord knows I haven’t been there for years. Need to get the timing belt changed on my car first though. I have been using that as an excuse so far not to go on long car journeys.

Off into town now to meet friends. Beautiful day here in London.

Confused State of Mind

2009-08-14T12:20:02Z

How long since I have blogged? I seem to have gotten out of the habit of late. My mind a riot of confused bumbling thoughts and feelings. Angry at everything and nothing. Annoyed at people bothering me and annoyed if they don’t. Nothing pleases right now. I am discordant. My mind and body jarring, jagged and thoroughly confused.

I want to work in the way this new path I have chosen should allow me. I don’t want to work in the same job day in and day out. I don’t want to have set hours or set days of the week. I don’t want to be involved in office politics anymore. Who does and doesn’t like me, who will be sweetness and light to my face and stab me in the back. So many things I don’t like about the way things were. For that I am sacrificing steady income and security, although what security is offered in this current economic climate I know not.

I feel like I need to take a breather and I feel like I need to run hard and fast. I feel like I need to do a million things to generate income and interest and I feel like I want to hide in a darkened corner and not speak to anyone for days. So leave me alone. No actually call me. No. Yes. No. Yes.

Now would be a good time to catch up on TV Series I have missed like The Sopranos or The Wire. To lose myself in the concerns of non existent people. To live other lives through other media. And then there’s World of Warcraft too of course. There’s a whole other life in there.

I feel I want to travel as well, go on long journeys to faraway places. I suppose lose myself there too in the unknown. But then that would have its stresses and right now I don’t want to spend any money, because who knows what the future will bring. But then you never know really, although you can control it to a certain extent.

I’d envisaged getting fit, losing weight and chilling these last couple of weeks and instead I’ve been working on my first contract, trying to sort out loads of things I’d put off, being emotionally and physically molested by the cleaning manager for the flats (hmmm yes let’s just gloss over that one you wouldn’t believe it if I told you) and generally feeling on the brink of hysterical emotional behaviour if the slightest thing didn’t go my way.

I either want to kill someone or jump off a bridge. OK so that’s a bit dramatic but my mental state has been going through severe swings like that. If I had still been with my ex husband he would definitely have been buried under the patio by now. And I’d be jumping up and down on his body laughing manically.

So that crazy mad creature, evil twin Caprycorn has invited me to Manchester for the weekend. I am just on my way up there now, on the train. Got a first class bargain and it’s oh so much easier than driving. Why have I insisted on driving for so long? Hmm I like the freedom of it, but in future I think train and then car hire once up north is the answer. Maybe I should just get rid of my car entirely. Anyway, the point is, I shall try not to kill anyone while I am there, I hope she knows what she’s letting herself in for.....

Last Day

2009-07-30T06:33:10Z

Old life out and new life in.

My last day at work on a permanent contract.

My last day in the public sector with pension and safety, the ability to phone in sick at random and take days off on a whim..... Yet of course I have been sick for about 3 weeks in total for the last 20 years and always work more hours than I should. Funny really how I’ve wanted these safety nets and then never used them. Like insurance I suppose. Have that and never use it either.

People are sad at work but I feel full of joy and excitement. No idea really if I can make this work, if there is sufficient funding out there to pay for people like me, or sufficient interest in me myself and I. I think the team are buying me a filofax..... we have lunch and evening parties tonight and have had tears already off several people. More tears today I suspect. The guy I manage keeps sending me emails begging me not to go. Awww.

There are enough looney tune consultants out there who seem to get work so surely I can too.

I will have to crack down to things in the next couple of weeks, finish the web site and get cracking on marketing. Set my accounting systems up. I already have loose receipts and invoices lying about. Need a printer too. Did my first proposal yesterday. Was pleased with how it looks professionally. Got my first business meeting on Monday at 9am hehe. I will wear a proper suit I think. Start how i mean to go on. Clothing can get a bit slobby in the public sector and although I have always dressed smartly, it hasn’t been city business smart. I think I want to be seen that way now. No more blurred edges. Proper business woman.

It’s all on me, but then hasn’t it always been that way too. No one else makes you successful at your work. There’s only you that’s responsible for that.

So we’ll see.

Life is Sent to Try Us....

2009-07-20T13:05:55Z

I’ve been neglecting my LJ. I suppose it’s a reflection on the wide range of things I am investing my time in at the moment. I spend enough time thinking and writing right now without spending more time being introspective on here. I write because I enjoy it and recently that just hasn’t appealed. I’ve been stressed and snappy too and haven’t had much to say about that, except that won’t really change until I feel more comfortable in my new working routines.

All that said my first consultancy contract is all but signed, that gives me work, and importantly, money into the business in August. The interim management recruitment companies all seem very interested in me too and positive about finding me work. Spoke to one last week who thought it odd that more people didn’t do interim. All in all it is steadily becoming normalised for me.

The diet thing has been going well too, it has completely reminded me that I used to control my weight by eating low carb main meals. I’d forgotten I did that and this weekend found me merrily cooking away on Sunday instead of simply heating up the food provided. I had a craving for certain things so I cooked, all within the plan of the diet, which is very “South Beach” in its theme. Web link if you are interested -

http://www.southbeach-diet-plan.com

So I feel I am in the right place with it, perhaps not being as strict as I could be but nevertheless experiencing a weight loss I am happy about.

I seem to have lots of little niggles going on of late, things not happening to plan, people letting me down, things I’ve organised being screwed up by unforeseen issues. Lots of stupid little crappy rubbish things, which I suspect are in truth a normal part of my life, but they all just seem like big deals at the moment.

I have a list of about 20 such incidents that seem to have been sent to annoy me, eg I organised my car insurance via the internet, simple huh? No. The company I used just took the internet form filling date as the date to start my policy, they couldn’t amend that on their computer, so had to cancel the whole lot and start again, which included me having to go through every single stupid little detail all over again, sigh.

In the meantime they took 2 payments from me for the whole year with no refund, meaning I’m over £800 down for 2 lots of car insurance, one of which should be cancelled and one of which should start on 1 August. Phone calls have been had, complaints have been made. Firstly to the company who didn’t give a monkeys and told me refunds take 14 days minimum, so then I spoke to my bank who brokered the deal. My bank, the most marvellous First Direct, were appalled I had been shabbily treated, took details and dealt with it, within 10 mins I had a grovelly phone call back from the insurance company. Apologies have been accepted. Refund is now on its way immediately, with notes going to the managers of the staff who treated me less than graciously. Humph. Do not cross me at the moment.

The odd thing is, the second car insurance came out at £25 cheaper than the first one…. Now what was that about? Both taken out with the same company with 24hours. Car insurance is a slippery fish.

It’s all been stupid little unnecessary things like that, that should be smooth operations but seem to stutter along creating problems as they go, requiring much negotiation and complaint making to make them happen correctly. As my father used to say - “life is sent to try us”. And recently it’s been very trying.

Still I feel OK, someone said to me how good I look today, I think that’s my small weight loss to date and the fact that I slept for King and Country this weekend, after I have to say, a fantastic afternoon on Friday with Big D. I always need to sleep after our fun but this weekend I have slept and slept and slept some more. But then it was seriously good BIG fun.

It's All About Food....

2009-07-04T08:52:11Z

The weather is stunning today, been amazing all week, slightly detracted by the fact that I work in a portacabin, albeit a large portacabin, nevertheless by about 11am it resembles a sauna and by 3pm it's almost impossible to breathe. STILL! Let’s not complain the weather has been beautiful and today it's one of the cool clear mornings that’s going to lead to a hot, hot day. How lovely I live by a big leafy park. I’ll definitely be out walking later and tomorrow I’m up to Hampstead to meet Best Gay Mate for lunch and will most definitely walk back from there and possibly walk up to there too…. (it’s downhill on the way back).

This week seems to have flown by, I have had fabulous reunions on several occasions with Big D, well we had a 3 week deficit of contact and sex to correct didn’t we? We were hardly going to settle for a cup of tea and a bun. We have been together 7 years now and the desire we have to chatter and fuck is as strong as ever. That’s quite something really. I think so anyway. We are just like minded and well matched on so many fronts. Best friends in truth, a dynamic that ensures respect is always there and a strong physical attraction that’s never waned. Happy Sigh.

I’ve also been forging ahead with my business, web designer engaged, business bank account sourced, 2nd accountant meeting had. I feel like its all coming together. I need a logo and business stationery now, although I am pretty sure on what logo I want already too. A minor detail in truth. The web designer bit was a hard one, people seem to want to charge anything from £99 to £20,000 and it’s hard to say what difference there is in-between. So I went for the lower end of the market. Couldn’t see a reason to spend anything higher.

Current work I am treating as a contract that simply needs finishing, and am tying up loose ends but putting most effort into what’s next for me. I end there with the end of July. 20 years of public sector service, time served and case closed. It’s a big change for me but I feel happy I am doing it and the fear seems to have dissipated, or maybe I could only carry it for so long. What I feel strongly is that I don’t want another long term 9am to 5pm five days a week job. I’m over that. We will see what comes.

I have managed somehow to diet successfully this week and have lost 4lbs, yeah me, I think the hot weather has helped considerably with that, and my laziness in that I simply don’t have that much food in the flat. I have however started a new diet (already!) today. One where they drop off all your meals for you. How American! It’s a low Glycemic Index diet, ie low carb. I know I am successful on that kind of thing and being busy and living alone makes this, I hope, something perfectly easy for me to do. All your meals are delivered, breakfast, lunch, dinner and snacks and you just add veg and salad in to it.

My 2 week box arrived yesterday and I was very pleased. I had their Mushroom Stroganoff for my dinner last night and it was delicious. Top quality taste and plenty of it too. Well impressed and when it comes to food I am a fussy sod. My fall down on diets has been I get bored with doing loads of cooking and shopping, I hate that contradictory food focus you have to have to lose weight, so tend to fall into bad easy habits of eating high carb and not particularly well balanced meals after a couple of weeks. This way I don’t have to think about food preparation or what I need to shop for and cook for dinner tonight.

I’ve signed up for a 20 week programme and that’s working out at just under £6 a day. I can spend that just on my lunch if I haven’t prepared something at home, so I think I am actually going to save money this way too. Lose weight and save money. Let’s see anyway. I’m walking up to the local veg ‘barrow in a bit to buy my other requirements there. That’s always cheap as chips and good quality. I love all their hard selling and East End accents too.

demi_x is having a go with me on the diet too, so keep your thoughts positive for us and watch this space for details of our success! If I follow the plan as laid out (and delivered to my door step) I will apparently lose 4 stone over the next 20 weeks. They make it sound incredibly easy and quite frankly, done this way I’m not sure it could be any easier, unless I had a personal shopper & cook maybe, but then I’d tell them to make me ice-cream and brownies……. steak and chips, korma and nam bread…… stop!!!!!

Spider BITE!!!!!

2009-06-28T18:13:52Z

So what I forgot to mention on my little holiday write up was this……. I WAS BITTEN BY A SPIDER.

Shudder shudder shudder.

Now long long ago Big D and I had a wee little disagreement….. Yes I know how shocking. It was regarding whether the (disgustingly heinous) British House Spider (did you know they can grow up to 4 feet in diameter? - ok ok so their bodies can reach up to 1cm in length, add in the legs and what do you get? Something ridiculously offensive) bit people or not.

Big D scoffed at me, but I was very sure I had been bitten by spiders a couple of times in the past. Just little insect bite marks but instead of the usual one puncture mark in the middle they have a clear 2 puncture marks in them. Never really thought much of it knowing we didn’t have any particularly poisonous spiders in the UK. Any way Google came to my rescue and proved me right. Google away if you don’t believe me.

Anyhow, as we know there are a couple of nasty biters in the USA, Colorado has Brown Recluse spiders and Black Widows. Both of which are fairly dangerous in their biting habits. Can’t say I’ve ever seen either type and nor do I wish to. The bite I got was from some common bastard type so no danger but it seriously disgusted me.

I got bit on the back of my lower calf, from when we were in the cinema I think. I started itching later that day then realised I had a swelling and when I looked I had a dark red patch on my leg, the size of a 50p piece with 2 puncture wounds in the middle and I kid you not, they were about half a cm apart. Some fuck off hairy arsed spider with MASSIVE fangs had bitten me! How dare it. I felt utterly disgusted and plastered the area with germoline & hydrocortisone cream for 2 weeks. It’s just about faded now and returned to normal in texture. It was like a hard flat plate for a while. DISGUSTING ARGHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. .

Go to the cinema again in Colorado? No fucking chance.

We saw X Men - Wolverine btw. Lots of fun go watch it. Take Germoline.

There and Back Again - Colorado June 09

2009-06-25T12:35:17Z

I’m back. Had just over two weeks in the USA, its felt like I’ve been away ages and feels odd coming back to my new flat too, which somehow still doesn’t quite feel like mine. I think because there is some outstanding work to be done yet ? Or maybe I still can’t quite believe it. Anyway here I am. I feel more relaxed, achieved some distance between my work and future anxieties and got a good hard look at my fatness.

I have come back with that new year’s resolution type of feel, with views about the last month of work I have left, what I do next work wise and what I do about my weight and fitness. The latter I intend to give some priority to and the former I just feel more relaxed about. I don’t mind taking some time to find my next job and do want that to be along the lines of short term interim management work and/or short term consultancy contracts. We shall see anyway. I have some time to think about it.

I missed Big D hugely of course. We have spoken and texted everyday but its not the same as chatting at length here in the UK and, more obviously, seeing each other. Hurrah for being back home and how delicious to slip back into my own bed, own bedding, own duvet and own pillows. Nothing quite like that either. Sadly had to set the alarm to get up early as I’m expecting workmen today and their call round time was 8am to 1pm. Bleurgh. No sign of them yet but if I hadn’t gotten up they would obviously have arrived at 7.55am.

I had a good time of it, great to see my sister, niece and nephew. Lovely to be in the mountains. A little mistimed in that I hit their storm/tornado season. Future note - don’t go to Colorado in early June. Although it was interesting to watch their weather channel freaking out about tornados and storm damage. Fortunately nothing came too close to my sister’s house but the skies and lightning were something to behold.

We had a great couple of days up in the mountains staying at a “cabin”. Otherwise known as a luxury 2 bed apartment with outdoor hot tub, mountain views and top notch décor. Very very posh, made for a lovely holiday home and we caught some fantastic weather there too. Pics snapped on my mobile phone as forgot my camera du'oh! Cabin, pool at cabin, lake near cabin and sis and kids in hot tub one evening.

I won’t say too much on here about the downside of my holiday, I was hardly the objective onlooker but things are not good within my sister’s marriage. It’s a great game - not to take responsibility for anything, that way, nothing is ever your fault. How fantastic is that? Except it means you can’t ever change anything either…. But hey, you can blame everyone else for whatever it is….. Especially your wife and children it seems…and put your faith in your Catholicism to change anything else. Like I say I wasn’t the objective onlooker….. Catholicism combined with a lack of taking personal responsibility is never going to be a positive trigger for me....

Faking It

2009-06-07T06:46:57Z

I went for a fake tan yesterday, a spray on job. Big D had suggested it, I think the girls in his office had been faking it this week. He wasn’t wrong, my legs were a blue shade of white but I hadn’t really thought much about it. Sometimes I try and use the sun beds a bit to get some protection and colour before arriving in Colorado. Given it has high altitude and strong sun practically everyday, I do stand out a little as the freak tourist with the shiny blue white legs.

So, me being me, I did a little research. It seems days have moved on since the orange tan look. It’s all very sophisticated now. All about special sprays and ranges of colours, professionally applied. There are loads of people doing it from home too. So I did a search, checked out some web pages, references and product recommendations, then rang a couple of people. I totally lucked out with a lady 10 mins walk away. £25 for a full body spray. Yep that means getting naked in front of a STRANGER.

I was a little bit anxious, thinking probably all the flat stomached size 10 ladies go for this but was she relaxed about spraying my fat body? Would she charge me extra for needing more spray on my belly? Or maybe she’d simply shudder in horror and turn me from her door. Such were my thoughts but I knew Gok would be 100% behind me. (Does he realise how much confidence he has inspired among women?). And of course as much as I am unhappy (but doing fuck all about it) with my body at the moment I know it is beloved by Big D. Proper healthy eating starts when I am back from the USA, no really it does. I have a new image to think of.

Anyway, that was yesterday, today my tan is fully developed and I am stunned to see I have an extremely naturally reddish pinky pale brown tan. It look exactly like I have a real tan. It’s exactly the way my body tans. Absolutely nothing fake looking about it at all, and its all over. No half tanned legs and arms plus white body. But pure perfection. I am well impressed. I will be doing this again.

So how bad was it? Did she scream in horror and run from me? No she was adorable. Really down to earth, done all shapes sizes and ages. Her latest was a 70 year old woman going on a first date and just in case anything happened….. She wanted a full body tan with no strap marks! Haha, how marvellous. I hope I am still at it like that at 70.

We talked about everything and anything while she turned me this way and that way, putting on barrier cream in hard skin areas. Then the spray began, sounded like a vacuum cleaner and felt like cool air being blown across me. She sprayed me up and down, turn here turn there, back and forth, arms up, arms down. All extremely chatty and friendly. What were my nipple piercings like, had it hurt, how was the tattoo removal going ( I really must carry on with that now to see how far it can go). She had a couple of stunningly beautiful tattoos. We swapped all kinds of tales about all sorts of things. I didn’t feel in the slightest bit exposed or embarrassed. She was fab. Her husband is fully trained too for men who feel a little embarrassed about women spraying their privates.

I’m thoroughly impressed. I can’t recommend her strongly enough. I’ll be back for more, no question. She’s 5 mins walk from Willesden Green Tube station if anyone fancies giving her a whirl. £20 if you can do a Thursday night.

www.treatmenicesunlesstanning.com/